With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, our screens and store shelves are filled with a very specific, often narrow version of romance. This month we are thrilled to feature a guest post from one of our very own counselors, Cindy Eades.
In a culture that often treats "sexual compatibility" as a fixed, make-or-break metric for a happy relationship, Cindy offers a refreshing and deeply grounded perspective. Whether you are currently dating, engaged, or navigating the many seasons of marriage, Cindy’s insights into trust, communication, and the ever-evolving nature of intimacy are both challenging and encouraging.
We hope this piece sparks meaningful conversations for you this February.
Our culture is dominated by the topic of sex. Ever since the sexual revolution, it seems to come up everywhere. We see it in movies and TV, social media, advertisements, and books. Does it ever feel like you just can’t get away from it? Since it is everywhere, I am not surprised to see false ideas rising out of the fog. One of those false ideas has to do with the topic of sexual compatibility.
I have seen young unmarried people really stress about this idea. How will I be able to move forward into a relationship without knowing if we are even sexually compatible? If we aren’t sexually compatible, does that mean that there is no hope for us? Christians who are committed to celibacy before marriage struggle even harder with this idea of sexual compatibility. How am I supposed to remain chaste until my marriage without knowing if we are sexually compatible? What was God thinking? Are all Christian marriages doomed to sexual frustrations? Or even further, does being a Christian mean that I am continually frustrated by my sexuality and sexual desires? Is celibacy worth it? These are real questions that deserve thoughtful responses.
Let’s first think through the strange attitude that this idea of sexual compatibility even promotes. It first says that sex is an itch that needs to be scratched in a particular way. That itch will never change in any way throughout your life or the relationship. It also promotes the idea that a person has their itch etched onto them, almost like an etching on glass. This etching is something you are effectively born with, and if you try to shape or mold the itch, that person will shatter. Think about that for a moment. If you attempt to make a change to your sexual desires and arousals, you as a person will be harmed so much that you will live life forever ruined. There is no hope for redemption or repair to you, and certainly not to the relationship.
Please. This is ridiculous. The fact is that our desires and arousal patterns are shaped quite a bit and change throughout life. There is no need to “try on the shoes before you buy them,” as it is so crudely put by many. There is no need because it does no good! Our relationships morph and shift as the seasons of life develop. Is there really no expectation that that has no impact on a sexual desire? A woman who is pregnant will find that she has a different attitude toward sex than when she is breastfeeding. His attitude fundamentally shifts when he has a baby who is relying on him for protection from the evils of the world. Never mind the changes that happen as a man ages, and his testosterone naturally lowers. Relationships also experience change that impacts the sexuality of the couple. What happens to the sex life when there are five little ones under the age of 12? Mom is almost certainly exhausted, and Dad is struggling to connect with her in any way when he comes home from work. Many of the parenting chores become about keeping the children alive, not about having sex. Retirement and the elder years also become another factor that influences the sex life. Illnesses are more likely as the couple ages. Sex at 25 is just vastly different from what it is when the couple is 75.
The fact is that sexual compatibility has so much more to do with a couple’s attitude toward sex than anything else. This is information that you glean from productive and intentional conversations you have while dating. People who are dating need to ask questions about the other person’s attitude toward infidelity. What counts as infidelity? Kissing? Emotional affairs? Pornography? What expectations do you have for sex after marriage? Weekly? Daily? More? Less? It would even be appropriate to talk through the fantasies you have as the wedding date inches closer. Yes, these might be weird or hard conversations, but they are far more in line with helping a couple develop and maintain a healthy sex life because after marriage, when sex becomes permissible, these conversations need to continue happening.
I maintain that celibacy before marriage is a necessary component to many things, but one that is often overlooked is the trust that it builds between a couple. My husband and I dated at one time, and I experienced all the hormones and the rush of new touches and kisses with him. I also had firsthand experience watching him struggle with temptations and step away from immorality. This is an experience that nothing else can replace. I trust him around other women now, when I am not around, because I have seen him step away from that cliff of sexual sin. I didn’t need to try on any shoes to find out if we were sexually compatible, and I have found a wonderful man that I deeply trust and admire.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or professional mental health advice. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition. Huntsville Professional Counseling (HPC) exclusively offers telehealth services and adheres to all HIPAA regulations regarding client privacy and confidentiality. Interacting with this content does not establish a therapist-client relationship.