Navigating Holiday Gatherings with Forgiveness
While the Thanksgiving season is dedicated to gratitude, it also means navigating the intense, often complex, dynamics of family.
True connection at the holiday table often demands a willingness to address old hurts and set down resentments. The work of Forgiveness and Reconciliation is not easy, but it is vital for personal peace and deeper family bonds.
We are honored to present a two-part series on a timely message from one of our team members at Huntsville Professional Counseling—Cindy Eades, LPC, CST.
Read Cindy Eades' expertise below on Forgiveness and Reconciliation as she offers clear and necessary guidance on moving past hurt and finding a path toward authentic reconciliation...
Part I
Almost all of my clients have struggled at some point in some way with the concept of forgiveness. Everyone has been on the receiving end of someone doing something thoughtless or malicious. They are left with the debris field of confusing questions and pain. Often, those questions and that pain are treated as easy to deal with if the offended party just "forgives." Friends, family, and church leaders begin beating the drum of forgiveness when they have heard you complain one too many times. It's almost as if the person's pain becomes an aggravation to everyone else, and forgiveness is the antidote to everyone else's aggravation. It's like the offended party's pain is the true issue and not the sin that caused it.
A remedy for another's pain is not sought simply to alleviate the discomfort of those nearby. Scripture does not endorse this as proper motivation.
Rather, it says that this pain is a normal facet of living in a fallen world. It is part of the human experience now that sin has entered into the storyline. Romans 8:26 tells us that our pain is the Holy Spirit's pain, and He is somehow able to express it to the Heavenly Father more powerfully than we could ever hope to. This means that God is talking to God about the deep pain we live in. There is no discomfort with human pain at all. The Holy Spirit lives in that pain...on our behalf!
So, what is this command to forgive?
What are we supposed to do with that command?
What is its purpose?
I want you to take a moment and reflect on your definition of the word, "forgiveness." What exactly does it mean? Before you rush down and look for my answer, pause and think through how you would explain it to a 7-year-old.
I encourage you to really think about this because I think it is very informative. Maybe your answer is something along the lines of, "to ignore the pain," or "tell myself what happened is not so bad," or even worse, "to just make up with the person who hurt me."
These are all real examples of definitions I have heard. Some of the worst definitions were something along the lines of, "Well, you know, you just forgive!" I have also heard, "to let it go."
That last one is headed in the right direction, but is missing an awfully huge part, don't you think?
What might it be missing? Why does that answer feel so impotent and simultaneously impossible to do?
I think it is missing the desire for justice that we all carry within us. If we are made in God's image, which is what the Bible teaches we are, there is a natural and God-honoring desire for justice. Put more crudely, we desire vengeance, and that desire is not sin. I realize that this is a shocking thing for a Christian to believe, but I think our desire for revenge actually reflects our heavenly Father's image.
If that is true, what is the definition of forgiveness according to God's own Word?
Romans 12:19
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay," says the Lord."
This gives us the definition of forgiveness. It instructs us to give our desires for vengeance to God. It doesn't tell us to just let our vengeance go...into the ether. It tells us that we have a personal God who is intimately familiar with being wronged in the most vicious of ways. The story of the gospel (Jesus coming to earth to bear the wrath of the Father) tells us that He is deeply concerned with justice and vengeance on our behalf. He is not a disinterested and impersonal universe. He is a person who knows these wounds himself and is deeply invested in exacting the sweetest and most poetic revenge possible. It is revenge on a scale that you and I couldn't possibly even come close to comprehending.
Romans 8:26
Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
This tells us that the Trinity is currently talking about your wounds right now! The Holy Spirit is intervening on your behalf and communicating your deep hurts to the Father. And please never underestimate the outrage the Father is experiencing as he hears how you have been hurt.
The only question left is, do you trust Him to be outraged and seek revenge and justice on your behalf? If the answer is yes, you are beginning to taste the sweetness that forgiveness offers. It doesn't take away the pain or the anger, but it does offer an answer and a way out from being owned by the pain and anger. It affords you an opportunity to explore the freedom that true forgiveness offers without the burden of the previous lies that you had been living under.